Forever and Always
by akbanana47
Summary: This is my first Chicago PD fic, and it's going to be based on the song Forever and Always by Parachute. Linstead is definitely endgame so please read and review to let me know if I should keep going!
1. Chapter 1

Forever and Always: Chapter 1

A/N: This is my first Chicago PD fic, it's going to be based on the song Forever and always by Parachute, and Linstead is definitely endgame. I don't own any of the characters or ideas from Chicago PD. Please read and review and let me know if I should continue!

Erin Lindsay was not an open book, anyone who knew her could tell you that. She kept her past to herself and saw no reason that anyone but her should need to know about it. But there was something about Jay Halstead that was different. Being around him made her want to open up and let him in and to this day she wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because she got tired of keeping it all in or maybe she just didn't really give a shit anymore and he was the first person available and ready to listen. Deep down though she knew the reality. Jay was someone who she wanted to let in and who she wanted to let get to know her. His stupid, goofy personality drew her in the minute he was brought into her unit and she'd been unable to keep him away. They'd been friends for a while before anything happened, but when she left for the task force and they no longer had the excuse of working together to keep them apart, she let him in. They'd kept it a secret for as long as they could after she transferred back to the unit, and Erin still remembers the day when it became apparent that Voight knew about them. Not knowing another option, she'd suggested that they cool it. Man were those weeks after torture. Not being able to go to sleep in his arms and having to pretend like she didn't love him with every fiber of her being was miserable, and it was getting harder and harder to act like everything was normal as she began a downward spiral.

After a couple of months the effects their breakup began to be clear as day to anyone she came into contact with. Erin came to work every day with bags under her eyes and a look that suggested all hope was gone from her eyes. She grew further and further apart from Voight without ever telling him the reason why and eventually after a couple of missed Sunday night dinners, Hank decided to get to the bottom of things. He started up his car late one night and headed straight over to Erin's apartment. When he headed up the stairs that had become so familiar to him over the years, he realized that it had been months since he'd been here. Shaking his head, he made the final steps to her apartment. He knocked twice and waited for her to answer the door, but no one came. He tried a couple more times but still no response. With no other option left, Voight took out the key he had to her place for emergency purposes. They both had one for the other's house and now was as good of a time as ever to use it as far as he was concerned. Walking in the door was like walking through a door back in time. The place wreaked of booze, smelt like a window hadn't been open in forever and he immediately was brought back to the living conditions he had found Erin in many years ago. Voight kept going further into her place and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't. Empty bottles were scattered around the floor going all the way from her kitchen to the bedroom. Dishes and take out containers were piled up by the sink and clothes littered the ground. The one saving grace in his mind was that he didn't see any evidence of drugs in her apartment, so at least she hadn't sunk that far yet. With no Erin anywhere in sight Voight got to work. He cleaned the living room and restored the kitchen back to the shape it should be in, then vacuumed and wiped down all the counter tops. After doing so he looked at his watch, it was past 3 AM and she was supposed to be at work early in the morning. The Erin that he knew would not stay out all night and wouldn't have kept her apartment in the state he found it in. It made him angry that he had let it go this far without checking up on her and made him even more concerned about why she was acting like this. Somewhere in the midst of his mind racing he sat down on her couch and eventually nodded off, only to be woken up about an hour later by the sound of Erin's apartment door opening.

Voight could tell immediately that she was wasted out of her mind. After all, he had dealt with her plenty of times in the past to know that glazed look in her eye. He sat patiently while she took her shoes off and wandered in to the kitchen still failing to realize that Voight was there, let alone that her place had magically become clean while she was out. After grabbing a piece of leftover pizza from the fridge she reached for the half empty bottle of Vodka sitting on the counter.

"Really?" Voight said, "you don't think you've had enough for tonight?" Shockingly, she didn't even seem startled by his voice and just glanced over her shoulder enough to acknowledge his presence and continued to pour herself a shot.

"Erin. Look at me," he continued, "What are you doing to yourself? What's wrong?" But she still didn't answer. She stumbled around the kitchen making a mess as Hank approached her. He again asked her what was wrong and again received no answer. She then dropped a glass on the ground and as it shattered she mumbled something that was so slurred Voight wasn't even sure it was English. He realized he was going to get no where with her tonight, and instead opted to talk to her in the morning. After a bit of a struggle he got her to lay down in bed and went to go turn off the light. As he was doing so she mumbled something again. Voight stopped walking and attempted to hear was she was saying.

"Iss you're fault anyway.." Are the words he heard, and he started walking away again assuming she was having a dream about whoever it was that was making her feel this crappy. So he walkout out, shut the door, and set up camp on the couch for the remaining 3 hours of sleep he would get before having to be back at the district in the morning.

The next morning Erin woke up to a beam of light shining through her curtains and throbbing headache. Slowly becoming aware of her surroundings she realized she was in her bed, clothes from last night still on, and not remotely sure how she got back to her apartment. Sighing, she got out of bed quickly got ready for work, and ventured out of her room in search of either a cup of coffee or a garbage can to throw up in, she wasn't sure which one. But after wandering out into her living room she realized she wasn't alone, and Hank was sitting on her couch with a cup of coffee and newspaper in hand. Seeing Erin, he put both down and waited for her to talk.

"How long you been here?" She asked.

"Long enough to know that you've apparently decided to become the type of person to come home at 4 AM drunk and live like shit day in and day out." It was then that Erin noticed her place had been cleaned and the empty bottles and food containers that had been around for weeks were no longer around. She gave Voight no response, and instead made her way to the coffee pot and poured herself some into a travel mug. He then tried a different approach,

"Erin, talk to me, what's going on? This isn't you." She continued moving about the apartment as she answered,

"Nothing. I'm fine. Just a late night last night." He went to say more before she interrupted him saying, "I've gotta go. I'll see you at the district in a little bit." And walked out the door.

Hank stood there left completely wordless. He hadn't seen her this closed off in such a long time and it scared him to the core.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Another week had passed since Hank had confronted Erin in her apartment and he still had gotten nowhere with her. He kept asking what was wrong and she kept refusing that anything was happening. He was getting more and more frustrated that she seemed to be building up her walls faster than ever. So, one day at the district he eventually got desperate and decided to try another route.

"Halstead," Hank barked, "My office." Jay got up with a confused look on his face and continued towards Voight's desk. He was racking his brain trying to remember if he'd done anything wrong but couldn't come up with anything. Sure he and Voight were never overly friendly towards each other but it was strange to just be called in there knowing he hadn't done anything. As he was closing the door, Hank motioned for him to sit down, which Jay then did. After a couple moments of awkward silence, Voight spoke,

"Listen. I know you and I aren't exactly best friends, or really even close for that matter, but I need your help." Jay was even more confused at this point, since when did Voight come to him for help? "It's Erin. I'm sure you've noticed she's not herself lately and I can't figure out what to do to help her." The whole meeting made sense to Jay now. Of course he had noticed she wasn't herself, hell he wasn't himself either after the two of them had called it quits. But she was the one that couldn't face Voight and own up to their relationship so there was no way Jay was going to let himself keep falling for her while she wasn't going to put in any effort. All that would lead to is even more heartbreak than he already had experienced from her.

"I know you two are close and I'm all out of ideas. I would just really appreciate it if you could talk to her, try to get her to open up, you know?" Voight finished.

"Listen," Jay started, "I'm all for helping her, you know I will always have her back, but I'm just not sure that right now I'm the one—"

"Jay." Hank interrupted, "This is not a suggestion. This is an order. She is your partner and as long as she's unfocused the two of you are a liability day in and day out as far as I'm concerned. Understood?" Halstead could feel Voight's eyes burning a hole in his head as he shifted his focus to the ground.

"Understood." Jay gave in. He had already lost a relationship because of the man before him and he was not about to lose a job as well.

"Okay then. Glad we're on the same page now, keep me updated on what you find out. You're dismissed now."

"Yes Sir." Jay responded back. And with that he got up and retreated back to his desk. He sat down with a sigh and avoided eye contact with the other members of the team, especially Erin. Although that wasn't too hard considering they had avoided each other like the plague whenever possible since the breakup had happened.

By the end of the day Jay had come up with a plan. He'd invite her over to have a few beers and watch the game and just ask her straight up what was going on. Easy enough right?

Wrong. Jay had never felt so nervous in his life. He had gotten Erin to agree to come over fairly easy, albeit she was a little shocked he had even asked, and before he knew it, there was only 5 minutes left until she was supposed to be there. He looked at himself in the mirror and debated everything from the shirt he was wearing to whether or not he should have offered to get wine instead of beer. This was the first time they'd hung out in months outside of work and to Jay it was like a first date all over again. But as he heard a knock on the door he reminded himself that this was not a date. Hell he and Erin weren't even remotely close to being together and she was the one who couldn't commit to their relationship in the first place. So he got himself together and went to the door to let her in.

She was still beautiful to him, just as she'd always been. Sure there were obvious traces of lack of sleep and stress strewn about her face, but her dimples were there, cute as ever, as she offered up a small smile. He returned the gesture and lead her into his place. They cracked open a couple of beers and settled in on the couch as the game begun, and for a while it was like nothing had ever happened between them and they were just two friends laughing and having a good time together. But then all the sudden Erin got quiet.

She wasn't sure what it was, maybe it was the fact that as he was doubled over in laughter she realized it had been so long since she had heard that laugh or maybe it was the fact that after all this time the smell of aftershave and a slight hint of gunpowder that was so distinctly Jay could still make her heart swell. But regardless, it hit her all of the sudden that no matter how much she wished it was, this wasn't her normal lately. Her normal was drinking herself into a stupor so that she could endure another night without Jay by her side. Her normal was sitting in a car only a few feet from Jay everyday yet not being able to tell him how much she missed him. No, this was definitely not her normal, and it sucked.

Jay noticed how she became sullen all of the sudden, and watched as her brow furrowed and she drifted away into deep thought.

"You want to talk about it?" He asked

"Huh?" Erin responded, clearly missing what he had said.

"I asked if you wanted to talk about it. Whatever it is that has gotten you in this mood lately."

"No, I'd actually rather not." She shot back. And just like that Erin had become closed off again. It was like a switch had gone off in her head and any sense of ease that had been between them for the past hour was gone.

"Er, come on." Halstead began again, "I know something's up. We all do. You've been so distant lately with everyone and don't even act like it's not noticeable that you come in every morning late and hungover. I'm concerned for you, Voight is concerned for you, everyone on our team is here ready to help you just have to let us."

"Like hell I do," she responded as she got up, "You know what, I think I'd better go anyways it's getting late."

"It's 8:30 Erin. That's way earlier than you've been coming home from what I've been told." She looked at him and chuckled while clearly pissed off.

"Great so you've been talking to Voight? What'd he do? Make you come over here and try to talk to me? Well I can tell you that's not gonna happen buddy." Erin continued to gather her things and headed towards the door.

"Lindsay, come on!" Jay reasoned, "Okay so maybe Voight did tell me to talk to you but it doesn't mean I don't care! You're my partner, I'd do anything to make sure your okay. Just please at least stay for the rest of the game." He looked at her with pleading eyes and she knew there was no way she could say no. She'd missed looking into those eyes so much over the past months, and no matter how angry she was at him, or Voight for that matter, she longed to just sit with him for a couple more hours.

"Fine," She gave in, "But in no way am I discussing anything with you, you got it?" She stood waiting for his response.

"Okay," Jay answered, "That's good enough for now."

So Lindsay returned to her position on the couch, slightly farther away from him than she had been before and focused her attention only on her beer and on the game.

It had been an hour or so of them sitting there in silence before Jay realized how much she had drank. While he had been nursing a single beer for the majority of the night, Erin had been pounding them back.

"Er, you think maybe that's enough?" Jay questioned as he motioned to the bottles surrounding her half of the table, "We do have work in the morning you know."

"Screw work," Erin responded as she chugged the rest of one bottle and went to go open another.

"I'm serious," Jay countered, "The amount you've been drinking lately can't be healthy."

"Yeah well how I'm feeling lately can't be healthy either but whatcha gonna do" she spit back.

He looked at her as she said that. There was a fire to her tone but when he looked into her eyes he saw anything but. They were dull, the usual glimmer that was there when she cracked a joke or when she teased him was gone without a trace. He could tell now that she was really hurting. There was no way she'd be this upset over nothing so he took a chance,

"Erin come on, tell me what's wrong." She looked at him and the dullness of her eyes was replaced with hurt.

"You don't think I want to?" Her voice wavered. "I wish more than anything I could tell you Jay but I can't"

"Why? I'm here for you, you know that, you can tell me anything."

"Here for me? Don't bullshit me Jay" she responded to Jay as the slurring of her words showed a mix between drunkness and hatred. He sat quietly for a second before answering,

"You know I'd do anything for you Erin," he spoke, "Don't try and pretend like you don't"

"Stop lying to me and yourself Jay," Erin responded as tears began to stream down her face. He hadn't ever seen her this vulnerable before and it took him by surprise. Just as he was about to say something back, she continued, choking on her words as she cried.

"You try to tell me that you care but you don't. You try to tell me that you're here for me and you're not. You wouldn't even have been sitting here with me tonight if hank hadn't made you and you know it. You tell me you're here for me as you're partner and that's clearly true Jay. You'd do anything for me. As partner. You couldn't give a shit about me outside of work and you know it." She had reached hysterics by now and Jay sat there stunned. She spoke from a place Jay knew was not okay. She continued in a softer tone,

"I know you don't care because you didn't fight for me. You didn't fight for me all those months ago in the locker room when I said we should cool it you just agreed. You didn't fight for me in the weeks after and you didn't bother to fight for me when we started to drift apart. If Voight hadn't told you to come here you would've just left me alone to be the piece of trash that I am. And what hurts the most is that I have been dying here without you Jay" her voice continuing to crack, "I haven't been able to function, let alone even sleep without you, and you've been able to go on like nothing had happened"

"Er," Jay almost whispered, not even sure where to start. Could it really all be his fault? How could he not have seen that the strong and amazing woman next to him had been slowly falling apart for so long? And how could she not have seen that he cared immensely for her? All the space he had given her had been because she wanted it, she had suggested it. But before he could say anything else she started to speak again in one of the softest and most grief-stricken tones Jay had ever heard,

"But then again why should this time be any different. No one has ever cared about Erin Lindsay. I should've just stayed on the streets where I belong". And with that her words faded away, and she leaned onto Jay as sobs coursed through her body. He didn't know what to do, as her words carried hatred towards him yet here she was clinging to him for dear life. So he simply sat there and rubbed her back while she continued to cry and wondered how she could not see how much of an amazing woman she was.


End file.
